… is difficult to talk about. In one respect I do like the job. I like the team I’m in. I like that is ‘casual’. It is targetted quite heavily and unfortunately I’m not doing so well as they’re concerned but me and my manager are trying new things to try and improve that. But at the same time the job is draining, its the time it takes to get to work, which when your doing it, it doesn’t feel like your covering that distance or its not taking very long. But when you then think about it. It’s adding so much time to my day.
The job itself is draining, I question how many more times someone can ask me to do something mundane before I top myself, but in consideration how would I cope in another department where what they do is even less tasking and varied. I dunno.
As I said to my boss lady today, I wouldn’t be bothering turning up if I really disliked it. The thing that’s draining the most is how I feel like I’m struggling so much. I really, really hate it.
…networking is playing a good part in rebuilding some old school, broken friendships. Leon is one example, he was a really good friend for a few years at school and then he moved away. Finally managed to find him on Facebook and I’m glad to be speaking to him again, he’s changed a lot, of course, but he’s still the same kid under the age.
I think part of the surprise of re-adding people I’ve known from school and college to facebook is how much they’ve all changed. I personally don’t feel I’ve changed much, although most of that comes down to the fact I haven’t achieved much. There’s friends who are married, who are parents, who are teachers, who have decent degrees. Who are going on exotic holidays and I’m lagging behind and that saddens me. I’d feel well shitty at a school reunion. And I’d certainly never want a younger me to meet me. I don’t think he’d be impressed with what I’ve become. Apart from Emma. He’d be impressed with her.
… i actually feel like I’m being shafted by the man this September. Halo: Reach, which I’m really excited about to the point where I almost cried watching the Extended trailer. That game is going to be epic, they’ve improved the graphics, changed up the multiplayer, changing the single player dynamic. Just can not wait ’til the beta. I’m going to bring it.
But why am I being shafted, on the exact same game, a game I’ve been waiting what… six years for… the newest F1 game. Reason’s to be excited that isn’t F1 related. It’s done by Codemaster’s have made the mighty Racedriver: GRID and DiRT2, which are so, so, so much fun to play and strangely addictive. I’ve got my hopes for it, but I worry that due to licensing it’s going to be rather limited. But who knows. It should be very impressive though.
…One of the highlights of the cycle to work is clearly the music choice. Its a highlight of the day. There’s so many artists I have on my iPod but I hardly listen to any of them on my way in. Surprisingly, it probably is one of the hardest choices I have to make in the day. It sounds silly I know. But it’s a case of, do I want to listen to a band or singer/songwriter. Do i want studio or live? One album or a mixture of all material? Shall I mix and match artists? Will what I’m listening too get me to work? Invariably these decisions have to be made on the three/four minute ferry trip. I am however and this is probably weather related, listening to a lot of folkie sounding stuff. Chilled lyrics and good guitars. Perhaps it’s helping me feel more relaxed.
Which to me is quite surprising, I’m not feeling particularly stressed about anything. Perhaps a bit down about performance but I’m also excited about university.
I feel loser-ish sometimes because of where I am and I worry I’m not going to progress more. I know I have to put a lot of work in to get there which is what I am definitely going to do. But I have these moments of self doubt where I question myself, have I made the right decision etc. I think this comes from hindsight and what I deem to have been bad decisions in past. It’s annoying because they weren’t bad decisions now and it’s only with what I know now these decisions would ever be different.
I won’t let this stuff stress me out though because it’s only going to make whatever I’m trying to achieve that much harder. It’s kind of my philosophy to try and not get stressed. I think that’s why I get really angry when stressed, because I let someone stress me to that point and I hate it. I like being casual and relaxed, helps me think more clearly.